That was so freaking awesome!

A whole episode just at the wall?  Jon Jon as a leader and potential battle hero?  I have to admit my expectation bar was set at mediocre.  Other than realizing I can be wrong, I also learned the following:

A giant troll riding a woolly mammoth can be believable and looks so freaking awesome!!

Jon Jon is so bad*ss, looks super hot when the wind blows through his curly locks (digression - how does he get hair product delivered to Castle Black?), and is so freaking awesome!!

Dropping a scythe is effective and so freaking awesome!!

Whenever you slow down the camera shot as a person is dying in someone else's arms, it makes the scene so much more heartbreaking and freaking awesome!!

Ghost has an odd appetite and is so freaking awesome!!

Janos Slynt is a pussy and I no longer like owls.

For the death pool, this week was a mass casualty situation and it took awhile to sort through the carnage.  Oddly enough, Alliser Thorne was never drafted so none of the Ls & Ls are waiting on edge to see if he's survived his little scrapes and bruises.  Here's where we stand:

1.  The LOS has regained her rightful position, for now.  There are several team members on the chopping block this week (Tyrion, Arya, Mance) so cautious optimism is warranted.
2.  The LOWL is in the first losers position but it's not looking good for the season ender... he's leading with 4 casualties.
3.  The LOW suffered a big loss with Ygritte but the rest of her team is likely safe for this week.
4.  The LOA lost a Night's Watchman and The Hound isn't in a super supportive environment right now so it could get worse before it gets better.  Think about all of the impending doom - it's good for your anxiety.

Lady of Sparklefell (LOS)

Tyrion Lannister

Arya Stark

Bronn (Tyrion's knight)

Davos Seaworth

Margaery Tyrell

Lysa Tully (RIP season 4, episode 7)

Podrick Payne

Talisa Maegyr (RIP season 3, episode 9)

Jon Umber

Loras Tyrell

Gendry

Mance Rayder

Gilly - baby mama

Brynden Tully - Edmuer's dad

Edmuer Tully - married during Red Wedding

Olenna Tyrell - gma

Grand Maester Pycelle - old dude with a spring in his step  

Lord of Wolverine Landing (LOWL)

Jaime Lannister

Peter Baelish ("Littlefinger")

Jorah Mormont

Jon Snow

Rob Stark (RIP season 3, episode 9)

Bran Stark

Joffrey Baratheon (RIP season 4, episode 2)

Jeor Mormont (RIP season 3, episode 4)

Yara Greyjoy

Lancel Lannister

Gregor Clegane - The "Mountain" (RIP season 4, episode 8)

Dany's knight (name TBD)

Dolorous Edd Tollett - Nights' Watchman

Jojen Reed - Love Actually kid

Thoros of Myr - Red Priest with Melisandre

Meryn Trant - King's Guard

Missandei - wicked hair with Dany

Lady of Whimsy (LOW)

Cersei Lannister

Daenerys Targaryen, hereafter referred to as Dany

Tywin Lannister

Sansa Stark

Theon Greyjoy

Varys

Samwell Tarly

Stannis Baratheon (father of the demon vag baby)

Ygritte (RIP season 4, episode 9)

Balon Greyjoy

Rickon Stark

Ramsay Snow

Tormund Giantsbane - giant ginger wildling leader

Rast - Nights' Watchman (RIP season 4, episode 6)

Locke (RIP season 4, episode 6)

Sir Barriston - old dude with Dany

Daario Naharis - Fabio

Lord of Anxietyhall (LOA)

Catelyn Stark (RIP season 3, episode 9)

Sandor Clegane ("The Hound")

Brienne of Tarth

Melisandre the Sorceress (mother of the demon vag baby)

Shae

Dagmer Greyjoy (first mate)

Hodor

Osha

Qyburn

Maester Aemon

Jagen H'Ghar

Ros, that slut (RIP season 3, episode 6)

Grenn - Nights' Watchman (RIP season 4, episode 9)

Meera Reed - Love Actually kid's sister

Walder Frey - evil bastard

Roose Bolton - stabbed Rob

Grey worm

WTF that's some FUS!

I'm sorry Mr. Clegane... what were your final words to Lord Oberyn?  I couldn't hear them over the sound of my own screaming voice.

And HBO abbreviation creators... "Graphic Violence"?  This leads fair ladies such as myself to expect the typical throat slitting, a spear through the chest, a sword through the back of the head, as well as other forms of mischievery.  What it does NOT imply is that I will be watching someone's teeth bounce off the floor like a set of marbles or witness his eyes get pushed out of the back of his head by a pair of Twinkie sized thumbs.  That is a whole other level of f'd up sh*t.  May I suggest "FUS" for future use?

And Sansa... apparently one little finger is all it takes to turn a ginger no soul into a dirty dirty power seeking whore.  I didn't think you had it in you.  But you did.  You've had it in you.  See what I did there?  

And Ser Jorah... karma's such a bitch.  Also karma has been renamed in the Seven Kingdoms - she goes by Khaleesi.

I can't even look at this picture without gagging.

And Ramsay... no longer a bastard.  Well he kind of is, but this term of endearment is just less accurate now.  I refuse to call him King of the North, at least until he finds out and starts ripping off my toe nails one by one while he gives me paper cuts between my fingers and makes me watch while he replaces my Heinz with Hunt's and reorganizes my DVDs (my own personal forms of torture).  Side note / WTF moment - He'll be needing a bath?  WTFWTFWTF.

And GoT writers... humor?  I think the Ls & Ls LOL'd a time or two in the midst of all of the FUS.  How could you not - Arya's bout of hysterics is just so infectious, although not as infectious as The Hound's necrotic shoulder.

And who knew a five minute monologue on beetles could be so intriguing?  Does anyone else sense that Tyrion's cousin was inspired by Lenny?

And can someone please get Reek some freaking Prozac?!  It's in the medicine chest right next to his pillar and stones.

And finally... The LOWL takes his rightful place in the loser's position.  That's what happens when you question why it matters if it's Heinz.  Consequences (you only wish it was karma).

The rankings:

Lord of Anxietyhall (LOA)

Catelyn Stark (RIP season 3, episode 9)

Sandor Clegane ("The Hound")

Brienne of Tarth

Melisandre the Sorceress (mother of the demon vag baby)

Shae

Dagmer Greyjoy (first mate)

Hodor

Osha

Qyburn

Maester Aemon

Jagen H'Ghar

Ros, that slut (RIP season 3, episode 6)

Grenn - Nights' Watchman

Meera Reed - Love Actually kid's sister

Walder Frey - evil bastard

Roose Bolton - stabbed Rob

Grey worm

Lady of Whimsy (LOW)

Cersei Lannister

Daenerys Targaryen, hereafter referred to as Dany

Tywin Lannister

Sansa Stark

Theon Greyjoy

Varys

Samwell Tarly

Stannis Baratheon (father of the demon vag baby)

Ygritte

Balon Greyjoy

Rickon Stark

Ramsay Snow

Tormund Giantsbane - giant ginger wildling leader

Rast - Nights' Watchman (RIP season 4, episode 6)

Locke (RIP season 4, episode 6)

Sir Barriston - old dude with Dany

Daario Naharis - Fabio

Lady of Sparklefell (LOS)

Tyrion Lannister

Arya Stark

Bronn (Tyrion's knight)

Davos Seaworth

Margaery Tyrell

Lysa Tully (RIP season 4, episode 7)

Podrick Payne

Talisa Maegyr (RIP season 3, episode 9)

Jon Umber

Loras Tyrell

Gendry

Mance Rayder

Gilly - baby mama

Brynden Tully - Edmuer's dad

Edmuer Tully - married during Red Wedding

Olenna Tyrell - gma

Grand Maester Pycelle - old dude with a spring in his step  

Lord of Wolverine Landing (LOWL)

Jaime Lannister

Peter Baelish ("Littlefinger")

Jorah Mormont

Jon Snow

Rob Stark (RIP season 3, episode 9)

Bran Stark

Joffrey Baratheon

Jeor Mormont (RIP season 3, episode 4)

Yara Greyjoy

Lancel Lannister

Gregor Clegane - The "Mountain" (RIP season 4, episode 8)

Dany's knight (name TBD)

Dolorous Edd Tollett - Nights' Watchman

Jojen Reed - Love Actually kid

Thoros of Myr - Red Priest with Melisandre

Meryn Trant - King's Guard

Missandei - wicked hair with Dany

Do you wanna build a snow man?

NOOOOOO!!!!!  Just when I made my way back to the top, they pull me back down.  I'm still reeling from my drop in the rankings.  Who would've thought that such a relatively insignificant character from Season 1 would wreak such havoc on the Season 4 death pool?  There's so much power in one little finger!

Episode 7 has set up some great quandries for the end of the season.  

Who will win - The Mountain or Oberyn?  My bets are on Oberyn.  Everyone knows enormous shoulders are no match for someone who has a chip on one of theirs.  

Will Tyrion be exonerated or eviscerated?  

Will Arya ever see her family again?  

Has Jon Jon maxed out his word limit for the season faster than a Kardashian can max out her character limit on Twitter?

How many more cameos will we get from Hot Pie?

Will we get a full frontal of Fabio or have to settle for just a shot of his Moon Door?

And why are there so many similarities between our favorite HBO series and America's favorite Disney flick?  

What consequences will Littlefinger face for tossing his wife out the Moon Door, so shortly after he tossed her around the royal keep?  What will happen to the little nipple sucker and will we really have to cringe our way through another uber creepy wedding?  Will Littlefinger ever complete his Sansa-inspired hair doll or will he settle for wearing her skin as a cloak?

Will Jaime still be sent to Casterly Rock?



Will Brienne ever fulfill her promise to Catelyn?  Even more intriguing, will she ever learn to respect Podrick's real skill set?




Will Dany always be such a frozen b*tch.  She should really let it go (...let it go! Can't hold it back anymore!...). And when is she going to burn those mothers to the ground?

 

Hopefully all is revealed in Episdoes 8-10.  I'm even more hopeful that there's another death or two... as long as they aren't on my team.

The rankings:

Lord of Anxietyhall (LOA)

Catelyn Stark (RIP season 3, episode 9)

Sandor Clegane ("The Hound")

Brienne of Tarth

Melisandre the Sorceress (mother of the demon vag baby)

Shae

Dagmer Greyjoy (first mate)

Hodor

Osha

Qyburn

Maester Aemon

Jagen H'Ghar

Ros, that slut (RIP season 3, episode 6)

Grenn - Nights' Watchman

Meera Reed - Love Actually kid's sister

Walder Frey - evil bastard

Roose Bolton - stabbed Rob

Grey worm

Lord of Wolverine Landing (LOWL)

Jaime Lannister

Peter Baelish ("Littlefinger")

Jorah Mormont

Jon Snow

Rob Stark (RIP season 3, episode 9)

Bran Stark

Joffrey Baratheon

Jeor Mormont (RIP season 3, episode 4)

Yara Greyjoy

Lancel Lannister

Grefor Clegane ("Mountain")

Dany's knight (name TBD)

Dolorous Edd Tollett - Nights' Watchman

Jojen Reed - Love Actually kid

Thoros of Myr - Red Priest with Melisandre

Meryn Trant - King's Guard

Missandei - wicked hair with Dany

Lady of Whimsy (LOW)

Cersei Lannister

Daenerys Targaryen, hereafter referred to as Dany

Tywin Lannister

Sansa Stark

Theon Greyjoy

Varys

Samwell Tarly

Stannis Baratheon (father of the demon vag baby)

Ygritte

Balon Greyjoy

Rickon Stark

Ramsay Snow

Tormund Giantsbane - giant ginger wildling leader

Rast - Nights' Watchman (RIP season 4, episode 6)

Locke (RIP season 4, episode 6)

Sir Barriston - old dude with Dany

Daario Naharis - Fabio

Lady of Sparklefell (LOS)

Tyrion Lannister

Arya Stark

Bronn (Tyrion's knight)

Davos Seaworth

Margaery Tyrell

Lysa Tully (RIP season 4, episode 7)

Podrick Payne

Talisa Maegyr (RIP season 3, episode 9)

Jon Umber

Loras Tyrell

Gendry

Mance Rayder

Gilly - baby mama

Brynden Tully - Edmuer's dad

Edmuer Tully - married during Red Wedding

Olenna Tyrell - gma

Grand Maester Pycelle - old dude with a spring in his step

From a guest contributor...

Everyone knows the Big Ten is like the King's Landing of the NCAA.  Let's see how our fair Ls & Ls match up:  If Every Big Ten Team Were a GoT Character.

Episodes 5 & 6: Goodbye Sansa, Hello Moon Door!

I was in such shock after our fair LOW lost two members of her team in one episode that it has taken me longer than usual to recover.  Not to mention that... 

1. Lysa killed Jon Arryn! (WTF?!)
2. Lysa is bat-sh*t crazy!
3. Lysa is a screamer (per ew.com, I hear she likes it up the Moon Door)!
4. Lysa and Littlefinger (awww... L&L) got married at a wedding where nobody died.
5. Sansa is going to have to marry that creepy little nipple sucker.
6. Margaery is going to marry that creepy prepubescent Lannister.
7. Stannis has some gold thanks to Davos and the Iron Bank of Braavos.  This isn't your Clinton-era economy - you actually have to prove you can pay it all back.
8. Dany has some more ships thanks to new Fabio.
9. Yara is scared of dogs.
10. Theon is scared of baths.
11. Shae sold out Tyrion faster than that "silly rabbit" sold out her bigot boss.
12. Brann pulled a Jedi mind trick on Hodor (which took approximately one hot second) so that Hodor could take care of the LOW's first casualty.
13. Tyrion is heartbroken.
14. Tyrion is bad ass.
15. Tyrion gets another trial by combat.  

It comes as no shock that the LOS resumed her rightful position in first place.  Here's where the rest of the death pool stands after episodes 5 & 6:

Lady of Sparklefell (LOS)

Tyrion Lannister

Arya Stark

Bronn (Tyrion's knight)

Davos Seaworth

Margaery Tyrell

Lysa Tully

Podrick Payne

Talisa Maegyr (RIP season 3, episode 9)

Jon Umber

Loras Tyrell

Gendry

Mance Rayder

Gilly - baby mama

Brynden Tully - Edmuer's dad

Edmuer Tully - married during Red Wedding

Olenna Tyrell - gma

Grand Maester Pycelle - old dude with a spring in his step

Lord of Anxietyhall (LOA)

Catelyn Stark (RIP season 3, episode 9)

Sandor Clegane ("The Hound")

Brienne of Tarth

Melisandre the Sorceress (mother of the demon vag baby)

Shae

Dagmer Greyjoy (first mate)

Hodor

Osha

Qyburn

Maester Aemon

Jagen H'Ghar

Ros, that slut (RIP season 3, episode 6)

Grenn - Nights' Watchman

Meera Reed - Love Actually kid's sister

Walder Frey - evil bastard

Roose Bolton - stabbed Rob

Grey worm

Lord of Wolverine Landing (LOWL)

Jaime Lannister

Peter Baelish ("Littlefinger")

Jorah Mormont

Jon Snow

Rob Stark (RIP season 3, episode 9)

Bran Stark

Joffrey Baratheon

Jeor Mormont (RIP season 3, episode 4)

Yara Greyjoy

Lancel Lannister

Grefor Clegane ("Mountain")

Dany's knight (name TBD)

Dolorous Edd Tollett - Nights' Watchman

Jojen Reed - Love Actually kid

Thoros of Myr - Red Priest with Melisandre

Meryn Trant - King's Guard

Missandei - wicked hair with Dany

Lady of Whimsy (LOW)

Cersei Lannister

Daenerys Targaryen, hereafter referred to as Dany

Tywin Lannister

Sansa Stark

Theon Greyjoy

Varys

Samwell Tarly

Stannis Baratheon (father of the demon vag baby)

Ygritte

Balon Greyjoy

Rickon Stark

Ramsay Snow

Tormund Giantsbane - giant ginger wildling leader

Rast - Nights' Watchman (RIP season 4, episode 6)

Locke (RIP season 4, episode 6)

Sir Barriston - old dude with Dany

Daario Naharis - Fabio