I'm sorry... WHAT??!!

If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I was at the end of episode 5.  

While this episode had more ass-shots than happy hour after a gay pride parade, and wars were waged with words instead of weapons, at least one of my predictions was spot on.  Here are some of this week's highlights:

1.  Confirmed:  Robb (King of the North!) does have balls.

2.  Face slap #1:  Stannis has a wife who actually seems to like him.  Face slap #2:  Babies in jars.  Face slap #3:  Stannis has a half-dragon faced daughter.  Side note - if you could make it through the credits without muting your TV, pencil yourself in for a nice relaxing stay at your local psych hospital.  It was creepy and you're a creeper for listening to it in it's entirety.  After this scene, I'm nominating Stannis for father of the year.  Who's with me?   

Beric Dondarrion

3.  Beric was dead, then alive, which is confusing yet refreshing.  Scars are hot.

Grey Worm

4.  General Rule of Life:  If your name is Grey Worm and you're offered the opportunity to change it, take it!

5.  Ygritte needs to eat a sandwich.  Jon Jon seemed to have enough to eat so maybe he's willing to share.

6.  Qyburn is back!  He could use a lesson or two from McSteamy / McDreamy, but the man knows how to get the job done.  I'm sure Jaime's stump will heal beautifully with just a hint of a scar, which is a shame (see point #3).

7.  Tyrion + Sansa = one empty feather bed on a ship to the Eyrie.

8.  There is more to Jaime than his reputation as a King Slayer (although less of him now than in episode 1)?  Reminder #1 - Jaime killed Dany's father.  Reminder #2 - Dany came to play...

9.  Tywin proposed an epic game of "Would You Rather" to Cersei:  your evil, one-handed brother or the gay brother of your son's fiance who is about half your age?  It should be a hypothetical... I wish it were a hypothetical.

10.  The L's & L's were supplied with Coors Light and Menage a Trois cabernet.  Spot on.

Team Update

Lady of Sparklefell (LOS)

1. Tyrion Lannister
2. Arya Stark
3. Bronn (Tyrion's knight)
4. Davos Seaworth
5. Margaery Tyrell
6. Lysa Tully
7. Podrick Payne
8. Talisa Maegyr
9. Jon Umber
10. Loras Tyrell
11. Gendry
12. Mance Rayder

Lady of Whimsy (LOW)

1. Cersei Lannister
2. Dany
3. Tywin Lannister
4. Sansa Stark
5. Theon Greyjoy
6. Varys
7. Samwell Tarly
8. Stannis Baratheon (father of the demon vag baby)
9. Ygritte
10. Balon Greyjoy
11. Rickon Stark
12. Ramsay Snow

Lord of Anxietyhall (LOA)

1. Catelyn Stark
2. Sandor Clegane ("The Hound")
3. Brienne of Tarth
4. Melisandre the Sorceress (mother of the demon vag baby)
5. Shae
6. Dagmer Greyjoy (first mate)
7. Hodor
8. Osha
9. Rob's wifey (name TBD)  Qyburn
10. Maester Aemon
11. Jagen H'Ghar
12. Ros, that slut

Lord of Wolverine Landing (LOWL)

RIP Lord Commander

1. Jaime Lannister
2. Peter Baelish ("Littlefinger")
3. Jorah Mormont
4. Jon Snow
5. Rob Stark
6. Bran Stark
7. Joffrey Baratheon
8. Jeor Mormont (RIP season 3, episode 4)  
9. Yara Greyjoy
10. Lancel Lannister
11. Grefor Clegane ("Mountain")
12. Dany's knight (name TBD)

Week 5 Predictions: I love a good trial by combat!

Ahhh!!  That last scene!  Dany didn't just come to play.  She came to dominate.  There seems to be a fire theme throughout the season thus far and tonight isn't going to buck that trend.  I mean seriously, how many gingers can you pack into one cast??  Here are some of my predictions:

1. We will see our Trial by Combat between The Hound and The Lord of Lightening.  Let's just hope Beric doesn't have his own Demon Vag Baby or The Hound's journey will end here.  I think The Hound will come out on top, but not unscathed... fire can be a bitch.
2. In the north, the White Walkers are going to be pissed when they find out Craster has been killed which means an end to their baby supply.  It's like the day I found out there would be no more Twinkies.  Sam will protect Ginny and her baby brother / son from the harms of the forest.  He may have to burn a White Walker or two along the way.  Maybe this is the time Ghost will come to the rescue (see week 4 predictions)!
3. We'll find out the identity of the man who released, saved, and re-captured Theon.  We love him already.
4. In King's Landing, Tywin will put Joffrey in his place when Cersei can't.  (No more dresses or grown up toys until you eat your peas!)  Tyrion will continue to prove that Cersei tried to have him murdered.  Podrick will still be the talk of the town.  Rumor has it he will be starring in an upcoming adult film with Farrah Abraham.  Sansa (ginger) will have to decide whether to flee with Littlefinger or stay with her new BFF Margaery (ginger).  Sansa's never had a real friend so she will cling to her fellow fire-crotch and stay in King's Landing.  Besides, how can she turn down an engagement to Loras?  He's so dreamy (confirming the old add adage... gay or taken).
5. Melisandre (ginger) will find the man who will impregnate her with Deuce (see week 4 predictions).  Stannis and Davos will make amends, or Davos will take a knife to the throat.
6. Jon Snow will be tempted by Ygritte (ginger).  He will eventually give in to these temptations, but not this week... he'll be too overwhelmed by his inner emotional turmoil.  Jon Jon will be secretly grieving the death of his Lord Commander while having to outwardly celebrate with the Wildlings.
7. Qyburn will reveal some important info to Robb Stark (King of the North!) and Catelyn.  
8. Bran will dream about a three eyed crow.
9. The Lord of Wolverine Landing will supply some cheap wine and sh*tty beer.  

The Death Pool is Alive and Kicking!

Battles, dragons, and death-scenes... oh my!  There was more anticipation for episode 4 than any other episode this season and it certainly did not disappoint.  For those who haven't watched - SPOILER ALERT!
I'm not sure which part I enjoyed the most, but here are some of my fav moments from week 4:

1.  Learning how Varys lost his boys, then learning he captured the offender, then learning he's keeping the fire wizard locked in the box with his mouth sewn shut.  That Varys is a hell of an educator and the Lord of Ballthievery has been schooled.
2.  Seeing Jamie on the brink of death with his les mains necklace (coming soon to a Forever 21 near you), then watching as he drank enough horse piss to make Bear Grylls proud.  This guy's been kicked when he's down more than Lin Lo, although equally self-imposed. 
3.  That awkward moment when Theon realizes 1) he burned small children to save Winterfell, which he later lost,and 2) narrowly escaped death and a sweet ass raping only to end up back in a dungeon with a sack on his head... don't worry Theon - it's a look that is totally in this season (also coming soon to a Forever 21 near you).
4.  The last scene.  Period.  As a side note, if they were to re-shoot Beyonce's video for "Run the World", it should be this scene with a little extra choreography.
5.  There are no sapphires on the "sapphire isle"!  WTF!?  Jamie lied?! Double WTF!?  Jamie lied to save another person?!  Sh*t just got real weird.

6.  Night's Watch vs. Craster... this is what I always imagined the storming of the Branch Davidian complex in Waco to be like, only with more spears and less Kool-Aid.

7.  Arya calls out The Hound for being a murderer.  This trial could have used Johnnie Cochran... you know The Hound rocks a mean glove.  A quick acquittal and everyone is home in time for some of Hot Pie's famous bread.  FFR (for future reference, duh):  the new character we meet here is Beric Dondarrion, aka The Lightening Lord, currently an undrafted free agent.
8.  The death of The Lord Commander which means our noble Lord of Wolverine Landing has found himself in last place...  time to buy some booze!

Our current standings:

1.  Lady of Sparklefell - all team members alive and no rules violations

2.  Lady of Whimsy - all team members alive with most historic rules violation

3.  Lord of Anxietyhall - all team members alive with most recent rules violation

4.  Lord of Wolverine Landing - one dead

Week 4 Predictions: Take Your Lessons from Podrick with a Healthy Dose of Penicillin

With the much-anticipated Week 4 episode upon us, the hype has been overwhelming... perhaps too overwhelming for our fair LOA.  It appears he has been stricken by a terrible illness.  The flu?  The plague?  Feeling the delayed consequences from his lesson with Podrick?  Regardless, his absence, and failure to fill out the appropriate forms, will result in his rapid demise as he takes over the loser position (perhaps his lesson was with Theon?).  This shake-up in the standings will bring much relief to the LOW who will now be reprieved of her booze-providing duties.  Stock up LOA... if you're buying, then the rest of the L's & L's have every intention to indulge - Tyrion style.

Here's what I predict will happen in this week's episode:

Dany will get her army and Kraznys will get his dragon, but only for a hot second before that spiky SOB burns his ass to the ground.  Don't mess with Dany.  As previously mentioned, she came to play.  Ser Jorah may live to see another episode or two, but he's going down - Ned Stark style (RIP!), not Podrick style.

Melisandre is going to find herself a new man that is strong enough to impregnate her with another demon vag baby.  This will leave Stannis to deal with Davos.  Without Melisandra whispering sweet nothings in Stannis's ear, I think Davos will be around a bit longer.  Demon vag baby #2 (hereafter referred to as Deuce) will make quick work of him in an upcoming episode.

Sam is about to cause some of the greatest drama ever seen on this side of the Wall.  Devastated by 1) witnessing the birth of his lady love's son, and 2) learning that the ladies of the North are not as well groomed as the ladies of King's Landing, Sam will try to be a hero. Sorry Sammy boy, a hero you are not.  I don't think this will be the end of young Samwell (perhaps Ghost will come to his rescue?), but I don't think everyone will leave camp unscathed. 

Inventor of the Loser Position

Bran, Jojen, and their motley entourage will continue their trek while we learn more about life as a warg.  Bran will use his superpowers to find his family... or to find Theon, where he will force that douche into the loser position, again. 

The Hound was carried away last week in a cart to a questionable location.  If last week's preview indicated anything, it looks like things won't go well for him tonight.  Too bad everyone knows he's afraid of fire... shouldn't have let that slip when he b*tched out of the Battle at Blackwater Bay.  Don't worry, it could be worse.  I'm relatively certain death by Nickleback isn't in the torturer's repertoire.

   

Finally, we'll travel back to King's Landing.  Littlefinger will leave and take Sansa with him.  In a role worthy of a true princess, she'll replace Ros as his lead whore in a land far far away.  It's sure to be a dream come true!  Joffrey will wear fancy clothes, play with grown-up weapons, and refuse to touch girls, all while saying mean things and praying he grows a sprout of facial hair.  Margaery will shoot something, Joffrey will feel strange under his dress, then he'll slap a b*tch for stealing his toys.  Cersei will feel threatened so she'll take it out on Tyrion who will say something witty to cover up his daddy issues.  All in all, it looks like just another week in the Capital.  I can only hope they break out the firewater... it may be the only thing strong enough to cure whatever ails the LOA.

Goodbye Hot Pie, Hello Podrick!

So, what did we learn this week, other than the LOS is horrendous at making predictions?

1. Catelyn's brother sucks at archery.  Based on the skill set of every other male in the Seven Kingdoms, he could be a goner before we even commit his name to memory (FYI, it's Edmure).
2. Stannis needs Viagra.  Podrick doesn't.
3. Hot Pie is a quitter but a hell of a baker.
4. Theon has a cute tush. 
5. If Jamie ever makes it back to King's Landing, he's going to have an awfully hard time serving as Hand to the King.
6. Dany came to play.  
7. Ser Jorah is still a mouthy MFer.
8. The White Walkers are really looking to push the envelope on the modern art movement.
9. Sam's lady love is now a baby mama.  Too bad it's a boy.  Not only will his birth result in a one-way ticket to hell, but that blob of goo would have looked great in a pink onesie.
10. The whores of King's Landing are impecibly well groomed
11. Adam Scott uses a weird putter but it's forgivable because he has a fantastic accent and is smoking hot.

Quick... what's Catelyn's brother's name?  

If you peeked above, you're a cheater and we all know the punishment for cheaters.  Right LOW?

Last minute adjustment!

Due to an error in the initial list of characters, there has been a last minute replacement.  Seeing that Talisa was drafted first by The LOS and Rob's wifey (name TBD... later determined to be Talisa) was last drafted by The LOA, Rob's wifey has been replaced by Qyburn.

The teams shall stand as is from this day forward.  Good luck with your new pick, Lord of Anxietyhall.  You're going to need it.  Sucker.

Week 3 Predictions: Goodbye Ser Jorah

If we've learned anything in the past two weeks, it's that nobody is safe in the Seven Kingdoms... except maybe Joffrey who has a crossbow larger than his ego and more ornate than his flowery dresses... and Brienne of Tarth who can swing a sword faster than Hodor can say his own name... and Jojen, the new kid (aka cute little Sam from Love Actually) who can't defend himself but has a hell of a body guard and is the only one who will call Bran out for what he truly is - a warg!... and Dany who has dragons, and ships, and an army.  

So maybe some will be safe, but for the sake of the death pool, here's hoping that some of these jokers start to go down faster than a sweet muffin and as gruesome as Kevin Ware in this week's episode.  Too soon?  

Here are this week's predictions:


We haven't seen Dany in a week and the Lord of Anxietyhall is getting, well, anxious.  This week should take us back to Astapor where we last saw Dany being rescued from a creepy giant scorpion robot.  Dany has her dragons, she has her ships, she has her army (The Unsullied - thanks Krazny!), and damn it she has her pride.  Let's all pause for a moment of silence in remembrance of a nipple that once was...


Back to the prediction... Ser Jorah has been getting mouthy and I think a quick visit from the mesh-masked creepy lady from Qarth will reveal the true traitor for what he really is.  Ser Barristan Selmy might be old, but anyone who chose to protect the Lannisters has to be cold and dead inside.  He'll make quick work of the traitor making Astapor Ser Jorah's last stop on this epic cruise.  (DISCLOSURE:  In a separate, more simple death pool, I have selected Ser Jorah to be the first one out in season 3).  

Melisandre vowed to burn those who rose up against her or her nutty religion... I'm calling game over for Davos and can't help wondering if Melisandre takes requests...

The half-dead Northerner (Qyburn - also new this season and yet to be drafted) that was found by Catelyn and Robb (King of the North!) at Harrenhal may make an appearance.  I don't think he's a goner quite yet but I see him providing some key information on his death bed.  

There's been a lot of foreshadowing this season and last targeting Tyrion and a loss of someone he loves.  We heard it from Cersei last season when Tyrion sent her daughter out to sea and Tywin in this season's premiere.  There's also been a lack of lady death so I predict one of our leading ladies is going to see the losing end of a crossbow or demon vag baby in the upcoming weeks.  Talisa seems a likely contender but I can't rule out Shae, Ros, or Margaery.  We haven't seen Ygritte naked yet so she should be around for awhile and Arya doesn't seem to count.  Lady Olenna, Margaery's grandmother, seems the most likely but this would make her on-air time shorter than Kim Kardashian's marriage (side note, really Ray J, you REALLY "hit it first"? Erroneous.).  Her death will not affect the rankings so my bets are on Ros and Shae.  There's nothing more captivating than the death of a whore.

She will have to pay the iron price...

It seems our fair L.O.W. must violate the unspoken rule of the Game and will not be present for this week's viewing event.  She has proposed to the other Lords and Ladies (hereafter referred to as L's & L's) that the event be postponed until Monday.

Cons:  all competitors are at high risk for spoilers and will need to hide in the cave of the birth of the demon vag baby until Monday evening.

Pros:  the L.O.W. will automatically move to the loser's position and will hence have to supply the beverages for the viewing event.

It seems an absurd request from a "Lady", whose banner animal is a penguin! Members of the committee will grant this one time exemption based on her adequate completion of the necessary forms (date change form, excused absence request, beverage approval form, rule exemption form) and acknowledgement of her current status as loser of The Game.

Request approved, but we're still watching on Sunday.

The first rule of GoT death pool... don't talk about GoT death pool.

What is a true competition without rules?!  Participating competitors collaborated prior to the death pool team draft to create the following list of rules and regulations:

Goal: To have the most individuals on your list alive at the completion of: 1.) each season and 2.) the completion of the HBO documentation of the books.

On this day, the 7th of April 2013, we have determined the draft order to be*:

1.) Lord of Anxietyhall

2.) Lady of Whimsy

3.) Lady of Sparklefell

4.) Lord of Wolverine Landing

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Rules

1.) No cheating (especially you, Lady of Whimsy)

2.) Cheaters will be brought in front of a committee, which will determine the punishment based upon the severity of the infraction.

3.) The score sheet will be maintained in shared space (where changes will be monitored) and updated on a regular basis by the Lady of Sparklefell.

4.) There will be no additions or substitutions of competitors once the blood oath (blood oath = consumption of one's current serving of beer or wine) is taken.

5.) If all members of one team die in one season, that competitor will be awarded with a sweet chalice (aka pimp cup)

6.) The competitor who is in last place (most team members dead) each week must have available at least 1 six pack of beer and 1 bottle of wine of the loser's choice for the next viewing.

7.) At the end of each season, a winner will be determined. The prize will be the winner's choice up to $20.

8.) At the conclusion of the HBO series, an ultimate champion will be crowned King of the Four Kingdoms and will be awarded a desk-size replica of the Iron Throne.

Good luck to all and Hail to the Lords and Ladies (except you, Lady of Whimsy who has probably cheated already)!

Draft Day

The draft order has been established in NFL fashion:  the competitor with the worst record (at life) goes first and proceeds to until the competitor who is currently winning (at life) has made his or her first selection.  

Draft Order:

1. Lord of Anxietyhall
2. Lady of Whimsy
3. Lady of Sparklefell
4. Lord of Wolverine Landing

With his first round draft pick, the LOA went big with Hodor, pun intended.  The LOW followed with Dany.  Really LOA?  No Mother of Dragons?  Total disappointment at the lack of commitment.  The LOS had an epic first pic with Arya, who all agree is going nowhere any time soon.  The LOWL finished out the first round of the draft with Rob Stark ("King of the North!").

With much deliberation, clarification ("Who is Gendry?"... 5 minutes later "Who is Gendry?"...5 minutes later "Who is Gendry?"... the LOS still doesn't know who Gendry is), Wikipedia-ing, and random selection, teams for the GoT Death Pool have been determined as follows:

Lord of Anxietyhall (LOA)

1. Catelyn Stark
2. Sandor Clegane ("The Hound")
3. Brienne of Tarth
4. Melisandre the Sorceress (mother of the demon vag baby)
5. Shae
6. Dagmer Greyjoy (first mate)
7. Hodor
8. Osha
9. Rob's wifey (name TBD)
10. Maester Aemon
11. Jagen H'Ghar
12. Ros, that slut

Lady of Whimsy (LOW)

1. Cersei Lannister
2. Daenerys Targaryen, hereafter referred to as Dany
3. Tywin Lannister
4. Sansa Stark
5. Theon Greyjoy
6. Varys
7. Samwell Tarly
8. Stannis Baratheon (father of the demon vag baby)
9. Ygritte
10. Balon Greyjoy
11. Rickon Stark
12. Ramsay Snow

Lady of Sparklefell (LOS)

1. Tyrion Lannister
2. Arya Stark
3. Bronn (Tyrion's knight)
4. Davos Seaworth
5. Margaery Tyrell
6. Lysa Tully
7. Podrick Payne
8. Talisa Maegyr
9. Jon Umber
10. Loras Tyrell
11. Gendry
12. Mance Rayder

Lord of Wolverine Landing (LOWL)

1. Jaime Lannister
2. Peter Baelish ("Littlefinger")
3. Jorah Mormont
4. Jon Snow
5. Rob Stark
6. Bran Stark
7. Joffrey Baratheon
8. Jeor Mormont
9. Yara Greyjoy
10. Lancel Lannister
11. Grefor Clegane ("Mountain")
12. Dany's knight (name TBD)

Winter is coming and we'll be ready... will Gendry?