Sticky Situations

Episode 3 found most of our female, and some of our male, protagonists in sticky situations - some more literally than others.  

Sansa escaped.  One could also argue she was kidnapped but hindsight is 20/20.  Side note - something that is NOT 20/20 is Dontos' vision, especially now that he's been shot in the face with an arrow.  RIP Dontos, RIP.  Either way, Sansa's on a boat and is about to get Littlefingered*.  Sticky factor:  figurative and moderate... for now.  This could become literal and severe depending on Littlefinger's imagination.  He always wanted Catelyn and now may have to settle for her daughter.  Littlefinger strikes me as the type who is just fine with settling.

As any bride can attest, the week after a wedding is always such a let down.  Nothing to plan, nothing to look forward to, and nothing to b*tch about.  I can only imagine the slump Margaery found herself in after the Purple Wedding.  The poor girl probably didn't even get to keep the presents from Bastards, Brothels & Beyond.  Sticky factor:  figurative and mild.  Boo hoo, I'm not a queen either.  Severity could escalate depending on how the Lannisters choose to handle her presence now that she isn't part of the family.  I hope she gets betrothed to Jaime because nothing says family values like marrying the sister of your sister/lover's brother.  Speaking of...

We've seen that these Lannisters can throw one hell of a wedding, but boy their funerals are just epic.  While mourning the death of her devil child, Cersei finds herself feeling vulnerable.  She does what any vulnerable women does after losing her child - runs to the fake metal arm of the child's father (father, brother, whatevs).  Jaime does not take kindly to her flinching at the feel of his cold stiff golden fingers on her cheek and Cersei ends up in the ultimate sticky situation and clearly, Jaime does not care.  Sticky factor:  literal and severe.  Nobody is around to get pushed out of a window this time because Tommen is off being slapped in the face with some wisdom by Grandpa Tywin.

Use to assess Arya's sticky situation factor.

Arya get to eat some rabbit stew.  Sticky factor:  none, but we can reassess in 24 hours using this chart:

Gilly has been left in Molestown to cook and clean for a brothel because Sam has to focus on things bigger than her lady bits.  He is worried about the men of the Night's Watch harming her and a brothel is the clear choice for safety and lady bit protection.  Sticky factor:  literal and mild.  Whore houses are known to be the stickiest of all the houses.

Tyrion will spend the rest of his days (ie, a forthnight) in prison.  I don't even think Johnnie Cochran can get him out of this pickle.  Podrick will have to take his skill set elsewhere.  I would recommend Dorne.  They seem to appreciate a man of his talents.  Sticky factor:  figurative and severe.  Speaking of Dorne...

Prince Oberyn and his lady love seem quite content in King's Landing.  He is taking lessons from Dany and came to the Capital to play.  Play on playa.  Sticky factor:  so literal you can practically smell it.  Oberyn will have to take a leave of absence from his playpen for a hot minute to sit as a judge for Tyrion's trial with Tywin and Mace Tyrell.  This could go either way, just like Oberyn.

Dany watches a literal pissing match and we're all a little relieved that R Kelly sat this one out.  When it's over, she launches barrels of slave collars over the wall.  She sure knows how to send a message.

Stannis bores me so until he's a headliner in the death pool, I refuse to acknowledge his presence.

I hope we see Theon this week.  I miss his sniveling.  Sticky factor:  stored in a box.  

*Witty commentary compliments of the LOWL.

#PPWSD (SPOILER ALERT)

Huh.  Did not see that coming.  Just when we think we've recovered from PRWSD, now we have to face the aftermath of last week's Purple Wedding. Shocking as it was, I'm now so conflicted.  Do I cheer with joy?  Gasp in horror?  I'm so happy yet so sad... who will sadistically abuse the men and women of the Capital?  Who will kill the remaining Starks?  Who will mock the death of Sansa's family and take pleasure in Tyrion's shortcomings, pun intended?  While I grapple with my opposing emotions, much like how America felt when the Backstreet Boys reunited without Kevin, let's recap the standings after Joffrey's demise:

1.  Lady of Whimsey - still with her full team intact!
2.  Lady of Sparklefell - only one member down, just like Jaime
3.  Lord of Anxietyhall - this is what one gets for drafting Ros, that slut
4.  Lord of Wolverine Landing - Joffrey's latest victim

There was so much going on in last week's episode so here's a quick recap of what we learned, other than Joffrey just had the worst wedding ever (episode to air on TLC in July)...

• Ramsays' dogs are as bat-sh*t crazy as he is.  What kind of dog eats a human girl?
• Reek is clearly a woman.  No wiener AND no balls.
• Roose Bolton knows Bran and Rickon are alive!  
• Brann must have found some wicked LSD in the forest because he is now crystal clear on where is is supposed to go.
• Brienne loves Jaime and Cersei knows it.  Jaime loves Cersei and Loras knows it.  Phoebe loves Jacques Cousteau and doesn't care who knows it.

Phoebe loves Jacques Cousteau

• Shae is sailing away (to the classic Styx melody).
• Since Shae is gone, they couldn't serve fish pie at the reception.  Everyone had to settle for pigeon pie which the bride swears is just as good but everyone knows that clearly it is not.
• Reception entertainment in King's Landing is so elaborately offensive it makes open bar, strippers, and a pill popping buffet seem like standard procedure for a four year old's birthday party.
• Cersei hates poverty.  Not the issue of poverty itself, but the actual poor starving people.

• Tyrion is going to spend more time in prison than DMX.

So who dunnit?  George RR Martin intended for the killer to be left in question and there are plenty of people who would want Joffrey dead, but none have more reason to kill the little inbred SOB than Sansa.  Joffrey killed her dad, her brother and mother (by proxy), and the best whore in Westeros.  She had the two key ingredients for murder:  motive and opportunity.  Plus, she has a risk factor that predisposes her for evil behavior - she's a ginger no soul.  When Joffrey kicked the goblet under the table, Sansa could have added a little secret sauce.  She was awfully anxious to leave the party all of a sudden and something tells me it wasn't something she ate.  Other potential culprits include Margaery, Olenna Tyrell, and Oberyn but my bets are on sneaky Sansa.

This week we may see where Sansa is headed, what Tyrion will get to eat in prison (I bet it's not fish pie), how Brann deals with detox, and whether Gilly and Sam will win Parents of the Year.  All I know for sure is that the LOWL is bringing the booze.

Sleeping with Gingers and Other Unforgivable Sins

Woah!  An hour hasn't gone by that fast since I attempted to go drink for drink with a UPer, fell behind after round 5, and ended up sucking on oyster crackers in the fetal position on a hotel bathroom floor... but I digress.

This week was all about the the consequences of bad decisions, and nobody has a longer consecutive streak of poor decisions than Jon Jon (excluding Mark Emmert, Lin Lo, and the Oakland Raiders who are all ASSumed title holders in this category).  During this week's episode we see Jon Jon stand trial for breaking a whole host of oaths, worst of which was sleeping with a ginger. Everyone knows you can't trust a ginger, especially one with a bow! While we can all admit that this is a poor life choice, and I hate to point fingers here, but

Pushed a kid out of a window

Shot a whore in the
boob with a crossbow

Had a man burned alive

SLEPT WITH YOUR BROTHER!

Ygritte's consequence for shooting Jon Jon is TBD, but I have a sneaking suspicion it will have something to do with the knew cannibals on the block, the Thenns.

Jaime is dealing with the ultimate consequence for taking too damn long - a sister-lover's scorn. Cersei doesn't care that you were "busy" being captured and has moved on to bigger, better, two handed men.  On the bright side, he gets a new sword because being right handed is sooo last season.  The history of this sword is a story all its own and I predict it will play a big role in the death pool this season.

We met the suave Latin-esque lover, Prince Oberyn Martell (aka The Red Viper) from Dorne and boy is he a cutie!  This guy is going to jack someone's sh*t up and that someone is going to be a Lannister - I'm predicting Tywin.  Tywin ordered The Mountain to kill Oberyn's sister Elia and her two kids when the Lannisters / Baratheons / Starks overthrew the Mad King.  Like we've already seen, actions have consequences.

In Meereen we saw Dany with her pre-pubescent dragons and a new, less Fabio Daario.  I guess his less-chiseled jaw line will have to do.  

Tyrion and Sansa are having a bit of marital discourse after she discovered that her father in law murdered her mother and brother (King of the North!).  Sansa is always holding grudges!  Get over it already.  Perhaps your new necklace will help... I hope she gives it to Margaery who has been in need of a wedding necklace for weeks!  I predict this necklace could be a secret cue to off someone, which should be Sansa, but Margaery gets the ax instead.  Who can blame someone for a mix-up like that?  Everyone knows all gingers look alike.

Finally there is Polliver, who has had it coming to him for quite some time.  He stole Needle which ended him up on Arya's death wishlist (what happened to a nice peaceful registry at Bed, Bath & Beyond)?  

We're still waiting to hear from Stannis, Theon, and Brann but I predict that Stannis is still a little bitch, Theon still has an aversion to sausage, and Brann is still chasing crows. 

Hopefully this has all set the stage for tonight's royal wedding (let's all toast to tighter security!).  The Lannisters have more coming to them than the guy who started marketing smart phones to adults over the age of 40.  I don't anticipate another massacre-themed reception, but I do foresee the Lannister clan taking a hit in the next 2-3 weeks.  Either way, I'm all drugged up and ready to cope with my PRWSD.  

Three Funerals and A Wedding

Although nearly a year has passed, I still haven't fully recovered from the Red Wedding.  To bid farewell to the leaders of the Stark clan, especially Robb (King of the North! RIP) was bad enough.  To see the head of a direwolf on his body was just too much to handle.  I was hoping the Sochi games would turn my frown upside down but the overwhelming feelings of despair, dread, defeat, and desperation have prevailed.  If only that last damn ring would have opened!

Regardless, the show must go on.  Season 4 is slated to be the bloodiest and darkest (ie most epic) yet.  There will be weddings, deaths, strategic manipulations, dragons, and all of the nudity that comes standard with a multi-million dollar budget HBO series.  Buckle up Gamers... winter is coming.

When we last saw Sansa, she had just wed Tyrion although the date of consummation is TBD.  Varys offered Shae a sack of magical beans to take her to a land far far away where she could hone her fish pie recipe but she refused.  She thinks her recipe is perfect and has decided to reserve all subsequent batches for Tyrion only.  I expect to see the jovial friendship between Sansa and Tyrion blossom this season, but Sansa has lost so much already that I don't anticipate her virginity to get added to the list.  The previews indicate that Tyrion will spend much of this season behind bars, and let's face it, that can kill the mood just a titch.

The rest of the Lannister crew is up to their normal debauchery.  They have just finished up a small council meeting and Joffrey is uber excited.  At first you think it's because he's just found out Robb Stark (King of the North!  RIP) is dead but then you realize he's just reminding himself of that time he shot Ros (that slut) in the boob with a crossbow.  Joffrey wants to serve Robb's head on a platter to Sansa at his wedding...I hope it's roasted.  Raw head is just gross.  Then we see Joffrey being sent to bed without his supper after calling Tywin everything but a coward.  Joffrey doesn't wanna go to bed but then he remembers that it's almost time for "Home by Christmas" on Lifetime and he could use a feel good story.  Now that Joffrey is nearly post-pubescent (can't you see the scant trace of a whisker?), this season he will be more maniacal than ever.  Crossbows will be fired and heads will be roasted.  It will be the wedding event of the season.

Cersei is beginning to realize that her sweet angel is becoming quite a handful.  After reminding us that every time the Lannister's kill an enemy, they create two more (those Lannister's really know how to make the most of a BOGO), she starts to feel all warm and fuzzy in her lady bits when Jaime saunters into her chambers... which will probably not be the last time she feels warm and fuzzy or that he "saunters" into her "chambers".  These two will have a romance like no other (because it's frowned upon) but one, if not both, of them are going down.  Then they will die.


Arya and the Hound are making their way through the forest.  They are the next Robin Hood and Little John, Robin and Batman, Robin Thicke and Miley and but instead of stealing, "POW!"ing, and twerking, they are just slitting throats and leaving a path of destruction in their wake.  If the L&L's live by any rule, it's that sometimes you have to do a little bad for the greater good.  Arya is our homeskillet - she's tasted blood and she has a magical assassin coin.  Her game is just beginning.  The Hound will help train her along the way, but I get the sense he doesn't believe in participation trophies.


When we left Bran and the gang (HODOR!), they were heading north of the Wall armed with dragon glass in search of the three eyed crow.  I'm all for following your dreams but traveling during a wintery mix is just unsafe.  In a bit of what I perceive to be foreshadowing, Bran tells a ghost story, the moral of which is that to kill a guest beneath your own roof is something the gods cannot forgive.  Lord Frey is going to get it, and by it, I don't mean a new wife. 

Gilly, Samwell, and Sammy Jr. (from here on referred to as Junior) were left nice and cozy in Castle Black.  Sam has stellar penmanship and has put his craft to good use by notifying the kings of Westeros that winter is coming.  Perhaps meteorology is a better fit for our dear Sam.  Gilly already thinks he's some kind of wizard so magic may be his forte.  Before our dear Sam can consider a career change, he must tend to Jon Jon who has been shot by Ygritte.  It was with a quivering arrow and lips that she bid farewell, for now.  These two will be reunited this season.  We haven't gotten a full frontal shot of Ygritte so she will hang around a bit longer.  Sam and Jon Jon will ban together to take on the White Walkers, but I predict only Jon Jon will make it out alive.

Stannis ordered Gendry's death so Gendry was sent out to sea by Davos.  If this were real life, he'd be doneso.  He's never been on a boat, didn't even know which way to sit, and can't swim.  He's as worthless in a boat as Kim Kardashian in, well, any situation.  Also if this were real, life Gendry could just YouTube "how to row a boat" and my concerns would be moot.  

Davos' life has just been spared.  Stannis ordered his death but as hand of the king, Davos recommended against it - he will be important this season in the war against the White Walkers.  No way is Davos making it out of this season alive.  Gendry has to make it.  I've only just learned who he is.

The Greyjoys are a hot mess.  Ramsay (ie the bastard son of the guy that stabbed Robb... King of the North! RIP) is picking Theon, aka Reek, apart bit by precious bit.  Yara has just received his most precious bit in a box so she's on a boat with 50 trained killers in an attempt to bring him home.  This season won't end well for the Greyjoys and season 5 could be Greyjoy-free.

We left Dany body surfing over the crowd of freed slaves.  Her dragons are going to grow up this season into rebellious, destructive teenagers.  They'll refuse to turn down the music, are going to smoke a sh*t ton of reefer, and will bang lots of chicks.  Best case scenario, they burn some villages to the ground and Fabio loses an eyebrow.  Worst case scenario, they kill half of Dany's army and she is left with Grey Worm.

So what else is to come in season 4?  My working theory is that our favorite series is based on the poem by Robert Frost:  Fire & Ice.  This means that everyone dies after smoking lots of crystal meth, everyone dies in a war of passion, or that dragons turn the White Walkers to a pile of ash.  Since this is not reality, I'm going with the latter.  Either way, everyone dies.

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice.

Winter is a Bitch

Your bracket is busted.  It's April and it's still snowing.  It's baseball season.  Again.  Already.  Despite the infinite list of first world problems one must overcome, all will be well again for one short hour this evening when Hodor and the gang return for what's sure to be a gloriously dark and devious season.

As a quick recap, here's where death pool teams stood at the end of last season:

Lady of Whimsy (LOW)

1. Cersei Lannister
2. Daenerys Targaryen, hereafter referred to as Dany
3. Tywin Lannister
4. Sansa Stark
5. Theon Greyjoy
6. Varys
7. Samwell Tarly
8. Stannis Baratheon (father of the demon vag baby)
9. Ygritte
10. Balon Greyjoy
11. Rickon Stark
12. Ramsay Snow

Lady of Sparklefell (LOS)

1. Tyrion Lannister
2. Arya Stark
3. Bronn (Tyrion's knight)
4. Davos Seaworth
5. Margaery Tyrell
6. Lysa Tully
7. Podrick Payne
8. Talisa Maegyr
9. Jon Umber
10. Loras Tyrell
11. Gendry
12. Mance Rayder

Lord of Wolverine Landing (LOWL)

1. Jaime Lannister
2. Peter Baelish ("Littlefinger")
3. Jorah Mormont
4. Jon Snow
5. Rob Stark
6. Bran Stark
7. Joffrey Baratheon
8. Jeor Mormont
9. Yara Greyjoy
10. Lancel Lannister
11. Grefor Clegane ("Mountain")
12. Dany's knight (name TBD)

Lord of Anxietyhall (LOA)

1. Catelyn Stark
2. Sandor Clegane ("The Hound")
3. Brienne of Tarth
4. Melisandre the Sorceress (mother of the demon vag baby)
5. Shae
6. Dagmer Greyjoy (first mate)
7. Hodor
8. Osha
9. Qyburn
10. Maester Aemon
11. Jagen H'Ghar
12. Ros, that slut

The Lords & Ladies have convened in preparation for the upcoming season and despite the strategizing, hypothesizing, and predicting, precedent alone tells us that nobody is safe.  Precedent also tells us that the amount of weight one loses directly correlates to his chances of winning an Oscar, but that's a separate blog.  

Draft order was selected based on random number generation (although most would agree that NFL rules would be more appropriate here - the loser, ie, Raiders & Lord of Anxietyhall,  goes first).  

"Random" number generation determined the following order:

1. Lord of Wolverine Landing
2. Lady of Whimsey
3. Lady of Sparklefell
4. Lord of Anxietyhall

I would argue it's a bit suspect that the ruler of the random number generation realm was randomly selected to go first in the draft.  #bullshit

The Lord of Anxietyhall comprised a list of all characters added during season 3 which were then drafted in the specified order until all of the Lords & Ladies had an additional five members added to their team.  Each character has been given a brief description so that Gendrygate doesn't recur.  Here's the picks:

Dolorous Edd Tollett

Lord of Wolverine Landing (LOWL)

1. Dolorous Edd Tollett - Nights' Watchman
2. Jojen Reed - Love Actually kid
3. Thoros of Myr - Red Priest with Melisandre
4. Meryn Trant - King's Guard
5. Missandei - wicked hair with Dany

Lady of Whimsy (LOW)

1. Tormund Giantsbane - giant ginger wildling leader
2. Rast - Nights' Watchman
3. Locke - with Arya
4. Sir Barriston - old dude with Dany



Rast

5. Daario Naharis - Fabio

Lady of Sparklefell (LOS)

1. Gilly - baby mama
2. Brynden Tully - Edmuer's dad
3. Edmuer Tully - married during Red Wedding
4. Olenna Tyrell - gma
5. Grand Maester Pycelle - old dude with a spring in his step

Grenn

Lord of Anxietyhall (LOA)

1. Grenn - Nights' Watchman
2. Meera Reed - Love Actually kid's sister
3. Walder Frey - evil bastard
4. Roose Bolton - stabbed Rob
5. Grey worm

Clearly these teams could be shot to seven hells by the time the clock strikes 10 o'clock but these Lords & Ladies will