Week 8 Predictions: Say I Do Already!

Only 3 more episodes... Noooooo!!!!!  At this point, nothing is certain, but I have a few predictions:

I'm optimistic that we'll see a wedding this week.  Dwight and Angela reminded us that the only thing that can save two people from marriage is death.  Start digging your grave Margaery, Cersei, and Sansa.  One of you is going to need it.

Brann won't need to update his Facebook status:  "Dreamin about crows" still applies.

While playing house, Samwell and Ginny will be attached by White Walkers.  Ghost will come to their rescue.

Orell is out to get Jon Jon.  He develops a plan to out him as a traitor.  It's in Jon Jon's blood... let's just hope his head doesn't end up in a box like his dad's.

Shae realizes she is out of wise cracks so she flees.  A Funny Whore without a good joke is just a whore.

Talisa and Robb (King of the North!) are so in love that it doesn't bode well for one of them.  Love isn't made to last in the Seven Kingdoms.

Gendry is in for a wild ride.  I hear registration just opened for "Daddy Bootcamp" at the hospital downtown.  I can make a few phone calls and get him in.  They are a really laid back crowd and shouldn't even flinch at the mention of his demon vag baby.


Fire will rain down on Yunkai and Ser Jorah will get burned.  Hundreds of years from now, the great-great-great-grandchildren of the freed Yunkai slaves will refuse to pay their taxes.

Theon has arguably paid the "iron price" and is running out of body parts.  I'm not sure what The Boy will take next but I'm hoping he took lessons from Krazy.  Nipples!  Nipples!  Nipples!

Long shot:  Kanye will make an appearance.  Guarantee: He'll suck (that's what she said). 

That was beary beary scary!

This week brought one blow after another, some of the verbal assault variety, and others of the X-rated variety (except for Theon who bid farewell to that part of his life forever), but mostly of the kick in the teeth variety.  I mean, I really thought Brienne was a goner.  Then I thought Jaime was a goner.  Then nobody died and I was a little disappointed.  Then things got really romantical which is weird, but where's my wedding?  I love a good rom com just like any other reasonable Lady, but Sunday nights are for boobs and blood, not the next Matthew McConaughey / Katherine Heigl disaster. Then they reveal that there are only three more episodes???!!!  Devastating.  There are so many weddings and impending battles, but so few deaths.  Let's just hope that the precedent set by season 1 and 2 hold true - we may be in for a crazy last few weeks!  Here's where we stand after week 7:

As expected, Shae is NOT happy with Tyrion's little arrangement.  Wait for it... There it is.  There's not much she can do about it, but voicing her displeasure has become one of Shae's hallmarks.  Tyrion is hoping to have his cake and eat it too.  He may have to settle for fish pie.

Talisa must have recently had a pedicure because those toes were immaculate.  Too bad it's all for nothing - her time is about to be spent in the kitchen barefoot cuz that b*tch is preggo.  

Ygritte is the most sought-after Wildling south of The Wall.  She's not into Wargs these days and she and Jon Jon are happy as can be skipping through the hills as if they've been re-cast as the Vonn Trapp children in a slightly more adult version of the Sound of Music.  Orell is out of luck, for now.  

Jaime really wants us to like him so he sells a sob story better than the whimpering contestants on American Idol who grew up deaf in rough neighborhoods after surviving a car accident that killed both their parents and left them homeless with nothing but their music to keep them alive.  Then he acts like a D-bag and we remember that we hate him.  Then he saves Brienne from a freaking bear.  Just when we were almost team Lannister, he exits like a royal D-bag and we wish the bear would have cut off his other hand.

As predicted last week, Theon will be walking with a limp, just for a totally different reason.  After he proved that men truly do think with their penis, his "brain" joined the GoT severed body part graveyard with Jaime's hand.  Hey, maybe they can keep each other company.

The Hound captured Arya.  Why can she not just stay put?  How will Jaime return you to your family?  He made a promise and has a debt to pay!!

Gendry gets the results of his paternity test via Melisandre.  Some things are better left unknown.

Dany wants to free all of the slaves in Yunkai.  Ser Jorah disagrees.  She's the mother of dragons and will do whatever she damn well pleases.  She threatens the mystery representative and he backs down but something tells me this battle isn't over.  People will burn. 

Sansa does not want to "make sandwiches" with Tyrion, she wants to "make sandwiches" with Loras.  Loras would rather "make sandwiches" with Tyrion who would rather "make sandwiches" with Shae.  Bronn thinks "making sandwiches" with Sansa would be epic.  Margaery reminds Sansa that she's the only one who's really f'd.

Joffrey calls for his grandfather.  This scene was a bit odd to me at first.  Who sits in a massive throne room surrounded by burning fire pits on a chair that does not appear all that comfy?  He could have at least brought a good book or the most recent issue of Good Housekeeping.  Then he gets verbally b*tch-slapped by Tywin and I could care less.

The LOA has a debt to pay for last week's antics.  Hope he's feeling Lannister-ish, in the debt-repaying way, not in the maniacal shoot Ladies in the boob kind of way.

Week 7 Predictions: Here comes the bride...

Winter is coming.

This season of GoT is turning into an old-timey version of My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding.  I'm not sure which ceremony will be the greatest social event of the season - Cersei and Loras, Edmure and Lady Frey, Joffrey and Margaery, or tonight's wedding between Tyrion and Sansa.  They do make a lovely couple.  I hope Jaime makes it back in time for this evening's nuptials!  And who will give Sansa away?  Shae?  Awkward.  Loras?  Devastating.  Tywin?  Inappropriate.  I'm calling for Varys, or a solo stroll down the aisle to meet the man of her dreams.  

Besides the grand ceremony, here are my other predictions for tonight's episode:

Brann will dream about a three-eyed crow.

Ygritte and Jon Jon will build a sled and take a sweet ride down The Wall... isn't anyone else dying to know how they'll get down?  We already know how Jon Jon goes down so that mystery's solved.

Theon will lose another digit.  I hope it's a toe this time.  I would LOVE to see Theon walk with a limp, gangsta style.  I'm also overly optimistic that we will learn the true identity of his torturer.  The man is a genius and rolls with his sh*t off safety.  I like him.

Melisandre will take advantage of poor Gendry.  He just wants to make elaborate suits of armor, not father demon vag babies.  Leave the man to his craft.

Samwell and Ginny will be attacked by White Walkers and subsequently rescued by Ghost.

Ser Jorah's secret will be revealed.  Dany runs a no-nonsense ship and refuses to deal with his antics.  Get ready to burn Ser Jora...you're about to pay the iron price.

Littlefinger will arrive in the Eyrie.  After several days all alone in his feather bed, he will seek the love of a lady.  The ladies of the Eyrie aren't nearly as slutty as the women of King's Landing, and much more poorly groomed.  Sorry Littlefinger, time to lower your standards.  

The LOA is hungover after a night on the town.  The sight of alcohol makes him more nauseous than the Dothraki on a ship for the first time. Alas, he has left the other L's & L's to a night of sobriety.  He will join Ser Jorah in paying the iron price for his crimes. 

RIP Ros, that slut!

Botticelli's The Birth of Venus

Ouch, what a way to go!  Although did anyone else find that scene to have Boticelli-esque beauty, in a morbid kind of way?  Apparently there's only one archery teacher in the Seven Kingdoms and he's trained Arya and Joffrey... it may be time for the women of Westeros to get new iron-lined undergarments (coming soon to a Victoria Secret near you).

I was completely confused for 75% of this week's episode but still LOVED the sick, twisted, cruelty that permeated the action-packed hour.  Thanks to Entertainment Weekly's recap, I'm now totally on board... although the same can't be said for poor Sansa stark.  So what did we learn this week?

Melisandre gives me the heeby-jeebies.  She's calling the shots - Arya is going to take down three people, all with different colored eyes (brown, blue, and green), and they WILL meet again.  All this while Arya loses her BFF (so THAT'S Gendry!  Noted.).  Rough day kid.  Looks like it's time for you to officially pull up your big girl pants.  This was a great call by the LOA bt dubs.  He had this all figured out by the end of the week 5 recap - Gendry has Baratheon blood and is about to be the father of Deuce... congratulations Gendry!  

Ygritte doesn't trust Jon Jon but she likes his moves and they're in love.  Too bad it's a Game of Thrones and not another season of the Bachelor.  Jon Jon pledges his allegiance to her but he's already pledged his allegiance to the Night's Watch.  You can't pledge two allegiances!!  With his vows of loyalty, she rewards him with some sweet shoes that I have a hard time believing will help him climb The Wall.  But, if we've learned anything this season, it's that miracles happen every day in Westeros.  Both will live to love each other another day.  How romantical!

Sansa's stuck in King's Landing.  She had a way out but that ship has literally sailed, although I'm not sure which is worse - Littlefinger or Tyrion?  

Brienne looks swell in pink.  Get used to it honey... your dress-wearing days seem to have just begun.

Samwell is a lovely tenor.  He could be the next North of the Wall Idol.

Edmure has to marry the Frey girl that Robb (King of the North!) ditched to be with Talisa.  

Jojen has seizures during his visions.  Bran is starting to realize that ignorance is bliss.

Theon is as bad at guessing as his captor is great at coming up with methods of torture.  Sorry about your finger, Theon.  Yara will miss it.

Tywin solidifies the marriage of Cersei to Loras.  Two secrets can stay in their respective closets with this arrangement.  It's truly a win-win, just not for Cersei or Loras.  And poor Loras...all of his hopes and dreams of the perfect wedding have just gone down the crapper.  There's no way he can out-Bridezilla Cersei!

Tyrion's life is in danger.  The only good news is that Joffrey chose a practice dummy that is twice Tyrion's height.  RIP, Ros.  Traitors never fair well in King's Landing, especially slutty traitors.  With her death, that leaves the LOA in last place and the standings as follows:  


Lady of Sparklefell (LOS)

1. Tyrion Lannister
2. Arya Stark
3. Bronn (Tyrion's knight)
4. Davos Seaworth
5. Margaery Tyrell
6. Lysa Tully
7. Podrick Payne
8. Talisa Maegyr
9. Jon Umber
10. Loras Tyrell
11. Gendry
12. Mance Rayder

Lady of Whimsy (LOW)

1. Cersei Lannister
2. Dany
3. Tywin Lannister
4. Sansa Stark
5. Theon Greyjoy
6. Varys
7. Samwell Tarly
8. Stannis Baratheon (father of the demon vag baby)
9. Ygritte
10. Balon Greyjoy
11. Rickon Stark
12. Ramsay Snow

Lord of Wolverine Landing (LOWL)

1. Jaime Lannister
2. Peter Baelish ("Littlefinger")
3. Jorah Mormont
4. Jon Snow
5. Rob Stark
6. Bran Stark
7. Joffrey Baratheon
8. Jeor Mormont (RIP season 3, episode 4)  
9. Yara Greyjoy
10. Lancel Lannister
11. Grefor Clegane ("Mountain")
12. Dany's knight (name TBD)

Lord of Anxietyhall (LOA)

RIP Ros, that slut

1. Catelyn Stark
2. Sandor Clegane ("The Hound")
3. Brienne of Tarth
4. Melisandre the Sorceress (mother of the demon vag baby)
5. Shae
6. Dagmer Greyjoy (first mate)
7. Hodor
8. Osha
9. Rob's wifey (name TBD)  Qyburn
10. Maester Aemon
11. Jagen H'Ghar
12. Ros, that slut (RIP season 3, episode 6)

Week 6 Predictions: The Game is On!

We find ourselves nearly half-way through season 3, and The Game (and death pool) is in full swing!  I'm just glad the name of the game is more battle worthy than the College Football Playoff.  The last few weeks have brought chess-like maneuvers by Tywin, Robb (King of the North!), Margaery, and Dany.  Our own L's & L's have sat back and watched the magic happen, indulging in less-than battle-worthy beverages... Coors Light...Seriously?!  Let's hope tonight's episode brings some serious action, on screen and off.  Here's what I predict may occur over the next 1-2 episodes:

We will spend more time with Dany who is preparing to launch a firestorm that will make the Battle of Blackwater seem like a picnic.  The truth about Ser Jorah is going to be revealed.  Maybe not this week, maybe not next week, but it is coming and when it does, he'll be doneso before Dany can say "Dracarys".

Robb (King of the North!) is going to reach out to Lord Frey for help.  He'll spit in Robb's face for ditching his daughter before she even got to the alter.  It's unfortunate because while Talisa is pretty smokin, I hear what Lady Frey lacks in beauty, she makes up for in personality.


Arya will make her way towards Riverrun.  Something happens along their journey that prolongs this family reunion once again.  Even Nemo had a more direct route home and he had a whole ocean to navigate.  Pull it together Arya and trade in your sword for a GPS. 


Ygritte has a bun in the oven.  Oopsie.

Sam and Ginny will face some White Walkers in the woods.  They will try to steal her baby and Sam will try to play hero.  I'm still convinced they will be rescued by Ghost and this may be the week.

Sansa finds out there is a wedding in her future and it will be the social event of the season!  There will be lemon cakes, flowers, dancing, and... Tyrion?  What the??!!  Despite her own devastation, she see's the look on Shae's face.  Shae should've spent more time practicing her poker face and less time making fish pie.

Littlefinger will head off to the Eyrie, alone.  He'll demand that Ros accompany him.  It's a long trip and he has a 48 hour rule.

Lorras finds out he is betrothed to Cersai.  He could care less.  All bitches are the same.  He just wants to sword fight.

Joffrey will learn of his mother's pending nuptuals.  He will be the 1,367,892,472nd teenager to rebel against his stepfather / brother-in-law-to-be.  When he discovers that Lorras also likes swords, a small miscommunication leads to a really awkward situation.

Theon will be tortured and the L's & L's will giggle with glee.

Brann will dream about a three eyed crow.

The LOS is providing the booze so it will be L & L worthy.  Coors Light doesn't even exist in Sparklefell.