Although nearly a year has passed, I still haven't fully recovered from the Red Wedding. To bid farewell to the leaders of the Stark clan, especially Robb (King of the North! RIP) was bad enough. To see the head of a direwolf on his body was just too much to handle. I was hoping the Sochi games would turn my frown upside down but the overwhelming feelings of despair, dread, defeat, and desperation have prevailed. If only that last damn ring would have opened!
Regardless, the show must go on. Season 4 is slated to be the bloodiest and darkest (ie most epic) yet. There will be weddings, deaths, strategic manipulations, dragons, and all of the nudity that comes standard with a multi-million dollar budget HBO series. Buckle up Gamers... winter is coming.
When we last saw Sansa, she had just wed Tyrion although the date of consummation is TBD. Varys offered Shae a sack of magical beans to take her to a land far far away where she could hone her fish pie recipe but she refused. She thinks her recipe is perfect and has decided to reserve all subsequent batches for Tyrion only. I expect to see the jovial friendship between Sansa and Tyrion blossom this season, but Sansa has lost so much already that I don't anticipate her virginity to get added to the list. The previews indicate that Tyrion will spend much of this season behind bars, and let's face it, that can kill the mood just a titch.
The rest of the Lannister crew is up to their normal debauchery. They have just finished up a small council meeting and Joffrey is uber excited. At first you think it's because he's just found out Robb Stark (King of the North! RIP) is dead but then you realize he's just reminding himself of that time he shot Ros (that slut) in the boob with a crossbow. Joffrey wants to serve Robb's head on a platter to Sansa at his wedding...I hope it's roasted. Raw head is just gross. Then we see Joffrey being sent to bed without his supper after calling Tywin everything but a coward. Joffrey doesn't wanna go to bed but then he remembers that it's almost time for "Home by Christmas" on Lifetime and he could use a feel good story. Now that Joffrey is nearly post-pubescent (can't you see the scant trace of a whisker?), this season he will be more maniacal than ever. Crossbows will be fired and heads will be roasted. It will be the wedding event of the season.
Cersei is beginning to realize that her sweet angel is becoming quite a handful. After reminding us that every time the Lannister's kill an enemy, they create two more (those Lannister's really know how to make the most of a BOGO), she starts to feel all warm and fuzzy in her lady bits when Jaime saunters into her chambers... which will probably not be the last time she feels warm and fuzzy or that he "saunters" into her "chambers". These two will have a romance like no other (because it's frowned upon) but one, if not both, of them are going down. Then they will die.
Arya and the Hound are making their way through the forest. They are the next Robin Hood and Little John, Robin and Batman, Robin Thicke and Miley and but instead of stealing, "POW!"ing, and twerking, they are just slitting throats and leaving a path of destruction in their wake. If the L&L's live by any rule, it's that sometimes you have to do a little bad for the greater good. Arya is our homeskillet - she's tasted blood and she has a magical assassin coin. Her game is just beginning. The Hound will help train her along the way, but I get the sense he doesn't believe in participation trophies.
When we left Bran and the gang (HODOR!), they were heading north of the Wall armed with dragon glass in search of the three eyed crow. I'm all for following your dreams but traveling during a wintery mix is just unsafe. In a bit of what I perceive to be foreshadowing, Bran tells a ghost story, the moral of which is that to kill a guest beneath your own roof is something the gods cannot forgive. Lord Frey is going to get it, and by it, I don't mean a new wife.
Gilly, Samwell, and Sammy Jr. (from here on referred to as Junior) were left nice and cozy in Castle Black. Sam has stellar penmanship and has put his craft to good use by notifying the kings of Westeros that winter is coming. Perhaps meteorology is a better fit for our dear Sam. Gilly already thinks he's some kind of wizard so magic may be his forte. Before our dear Sam can consider a career change, he must tend to Jon Jon who has been shot by Ygritte. It was with a quivering arrow and lips that she bid farewell, for now. These two will be reunited this season. We haven't gotten a full frontal shot of Ygritte so she will hang around a bit longer. Sam and Jon Jon will ban together to take on the White Walkers, but I predict only Jon Jon will make it out alive.
Stannis ordered Gendry's death so Gendry was sent out to sea by Davos. If this were real life, he'd be doneso. He's never been on a boat, didn't even know which way to sit, and can't swim. He's as worthless in a boat as Kim Kardashian in, well, any situation. Also if this were real, life Gendry could just YouTube "how to row a boat" and my concerns would be moot. Davos' life has just been spared. Stannis ordered his death but as hand of the king, Davos recommended against it - he will be important this season in the war against the White Walkers. No way is Davos making it out of this season alive. Gendry has to make it. I've only just learned who he is.
The Greyjoys are a hot mess. Ramsay (ie the bastard son of the guy that stabbed Robb... King of the North! RIP) is picking Theon, aka Reek, apart bit by precious bit. Yara has just received his most precious bit in a box so she's on a boat with 50 trained killers in an attempt to bring him home. This season won't end well for the Greyjoys and season 5 could be Greyjoy-free.
We left Dany body surfing over the crowd of freed slaves. Her dragons are going to grow up this season into rebellious, destructive teenagers. They'll refuse to turn down the music, are going to smoke a sh*t ton of reefer, and will bang lots of chicks. Best case scenario, they burn some villages to the ground and Fabio loses an eyebrow. Worst case scenario, they kill half of Dany's army and she is left with Grey Worm.
So what else is to come in season 4? My working theory is that our favorite series is based on the poem by Robert Frost: Fire & Ice. This means that everyone dies after smoking lots of crystal meth, everyone dies in a war of passion, or that dragons turn the White Walkers to a pile of ash. Since this is not reality, I'm going with the latter. Either way, everyone dies.
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
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