With the much-anticipated Week 4 episode upon us, the hype has been overwhelming... perhaps too overwhelming for our fair LOA. It appears he has been stricken by a terrible illness. The flu? The plague? Feeling the delayed consequences from his lesson with Podrick? Regardless, his absence, and failure to fill out the appropriate forms, will result in his rapid demise as he takes over the loser position (perhaps his lesson was with Theon?). This shake-up in the standings will bring much relief to the LOW who will now be reprieved of her booze-providing duties. Stock up LOA... if you're buying, then the rest of the L's & L's have every intention to indulge - Tyrion style.
Here's what I predict will happen in this week's episode:
Dany will get her army and Kraznys will get his dragon, but only for a hot second before that spiky SOB burns his ass to the ground. Don't mess with Dany. As previously mentioned, she came to play. Ser Jorah may live to see another episode or two, but he's going down - Ned Stark style (RIP!), not Podrick style.
Melisandre is going to find herself a new man that is strong enough to impregnate her with another demon vag baby. This will leave Stannis to deal with Davos. Without Melisandra whispering sweet nothings in Stannis's ear, I think Davos will be around a bit longer. Demon vag baby #2 (hereafter referred to as Deuce) will make quick work of him in an upcoming episode.
Sam is about to cause some of the greatest drama ever seen on this side of the Wall. Devastated by 1) witnessing the birth of his lady love's son, and 2) learning that the ladies of the North are not as well groomed as the ladies of King's Landing, Sam will try to be a hero. Sorry Sammy boy, a hero you are not. I don't think this will be the end of young Samwell (perhaps Ghost will come to his rescue?), but I don't think everyone will leave camp unscathed.  |
| Inventor of the Loser Position |
Bran, Jojen, and their motley entourage will continue their trek while we learn more about life as a warg. Bran will use his superpowers to find his family... or to find Theon, where he will force that douche into the loser position, again.
The Hound was carried away last week in a cart to a questionable location. If last week's preview indicated anything, it looks like things won't go well for him tonight. Too bad everyone knows he's afraid of fire... shouldn't have let that slip when he b*tched out of the Battle at Blackwater Bay. Don't worry, it could be worse. I'm relatively certain death by Nickleback isn't in the torturer's repertoire.
Finally, we'll travel back to King's Landing. Littlefinger will leave and take Sansa with him. In a role worthy of a true princess, she'll replace Ros as his lead whore in a land far far away. It's sure to be a dream come true! Joffrey will wear fancy clothes, play with grown-up weapons, and refuse to touch girls, all while saying mean things and praying he grows a sprout of facial hair. Margaery will shoot something, Joffrey will feel strange under his dress, then he'll slap a b*tch for stealing his toys. Cersei will feel threatened so she'll take it out on Tyrion who will say something witty to cover up his daddy issues. All in all, it looks like just another week in the Capital. I can only hope they break out the firewater... it may be the only thing strong enough to cure whatever ails the LOA.
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